When I am appointed Minister for Transport I shall be introducing some rather radical policies.
I think it only fair to announce in advance just what some of the changes will be.
When I am Transport Minister I shall arrange that all petrol and diesel has an additive which colours the exhaust gases of internal combustion engines. My preference is for the colour purple. No longer will the population be able to drive about without leaving visible trace of the pollution they are creating. I anticipate beneficial secondary effects as a consequence of this policy. The M25, and other congested areas, will become covered with a permanent purple fog which will reduce speeding in those gaps which tend to develop between the traffic locked sections. The rate of progress should even out to a steady 4-5 mph. Men who sit at the high road kerbside with the engine running so as to keep warm whilst the wife goes shopping will slowly disappear into a fog of purple thus alerting pedestrians to the incipient carcinogenic nature of that area.
When I am Transport Minister I shall issue small land mines to all traffic wardens.
This, I anticipate, will assist them in removing vehicles parked fully or partially on
pedestrian areas. All 'lollipop persons' will be issued with personal 'stingers' (a sort of
lazy tongs with spikes). It is felt that a lollipop in the left hand and a stinger in the right,
will add to their authority when needing to stop vehicles.
When I am Transport Minister I shall allow pedestrians to carry a 2ft length of gas pipe with
which they will be able to register any displeasure on vehicles parked wholly or partially on
footpaths. A consequence of this rule will be that any car on a pedestrian crossing at the
same time as a pedestrian will become a legitimate target. A later innovation (subject to cost),
will be the incorporation of the afore mentioned stingers into crossings, so that the weight of a
pedestrian on the crossing automatically deploys the spikes across the road. In case it is felt that
such legislation will single out the motorist, some measure of parity will be made by allowing the
gas pipe to be used against cycles ridden on pavements.
When I am Transport Minister I shall be changing the yellow line system. The country is
spoiled by the yellow lines which trail through the streets of every city, town, village and
hamlet throughout the United Kingdom. In future the system will be reversed. The line system and
kerb markings will be used to denote permitted parking areas. It will be illegal to park anywhere
other than on a yellow line. This will restore any former scenic beauty to the current 'no go' areas.
Free ranging 'destruction squads' will be employed to enforce the rule. As a concession to the
harassed motorist there will be a ten minute period of grace allowed before any illegally parked
vehicle is destroyed. Of course, any occupants of the vehicle will first be removed.
When I am Transport Minister I shall revise the policy of penalties for motoring offences.
The change is designed to hit motorists where it really hurts. Not in terms of financial
cost, not in threats of imprisonment, but in the status of the motor vehicle which they own and
drive.
All motor vehicles will be ranked in terms of both value and perceived status to give a continuous range
from motorised lawn mowers at the bottom end, rising through invalid carriages, mopeds, scooters,
three wheelers, Fiestas, and so on, through 'off roaders', Range Rovers, Rolls Royces, Bentleys
and ending up with Ferraris and the like. When a driving licence is issued, it will be for the
specific marque of motor vehicle and for those below it in the continuum. Should the licence
holder commit a motoring offence then his/her licence will be downgraded from its present level
by a number of places proportional to the severity of the offence. The BMW driver caught
speeding might well find his future motoring restricted to a second hand Fiesta. Boy racers
may well find themselves in Reliant Robins or on 20mph mopeds.
It is apparent that the persistent offender will end up on the motorised lawn mower.
Application for higher grade licences will only be considered if the present licence is either;
penalty free since issue or penalty free for the last ten years.
It should be noted that this policy never totally removes the licence. No longer will it be possible to claim mitigation on the grounds that loss of licence means loss of employment. Those needing a licence will still have one and be able to go about their business, albeit with some possible inconvenience.